Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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