Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
