We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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