You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
