You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
