i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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