Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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