The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
