He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm really busy with my period
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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