I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
