I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
