Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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