he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
