We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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