sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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