He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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