Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
