I just pynch a tree in the face
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
