Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
