Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
