I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
