I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
