I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you didnt know i had herpes?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We need a shit load of segways right now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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