your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
