Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
