What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
