So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
