help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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