I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
