You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
