I wish I could teleport
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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