Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
