She's JV to your varsity
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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