I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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