I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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