I want to make a zoo with you.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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