My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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