Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
