do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
