Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
