You made me cry and you don't even care
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
