Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
