No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Fuck appropriateness.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
