i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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