My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
