I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
