I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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