My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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