i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
