areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
