I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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