Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
