I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize