she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
