When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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