i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize