Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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