she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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