Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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