Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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