You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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