I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Even my vagina gasped.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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